Thinking of you

* * * *

As Lance started his welcome lines towards the crowd, Joey let his eyes roam. It was not good that lately he had been doing that more and more, sooner or later someone was going to notice, or he was going to be so involved in his daydream that he would forget the lyrics of whatever song they were supposed to be singing.

        It was a good thing that he could sing "God must have spend" in his sleep.

        Because if someone knew, Joey would be devastated.

        But even as they start singing, and waving his arms… his attention is not in the crowd. It is not in some random girl, as it used to be whenever he had to sing a love song. He picked a girl among the fans, and sang to her. Not anymore. He barely realizes that Justin is making the crowd sing, or the excited yells of the girls as Juju turns his thousand watt smile on them.

        His eyes are glued to the other side of the stage, his heart a mix of confusion and worry, because he knows how hard the show is on his friend.

        It was no secret that Chris hated heights. They had always knew, even before their first concert. But when JC had thought of the flying gag during Sailing, Chris hadn't say a thing. In fact, he had behaved like a pro, making jokes when they were on the ground, but deathly silent when they were up, sailing in the air.

        Joey had thought many times of telling JC to drop the idea, to force the Spazz to see how hard it was on Chris, but he hadn't. Because JC's idea was great, because the public loved it… And because he had fooled himself into thinking that it wasn't that bad for Chris, not if Chris could laugh and joke about it.

        Then came No Strings Attached, and the idea of dropping from the ceiling was accepted. And so was the idea of the rising platform with the transparent floor…

        And the rising individual platforms during "God must have spend".

        And after the first week of rehearsal, Joey couldn't fool himself any more. It was obvious that Chris hated all of those props.

        It was obvious in the way he never said a word in those minutes before the show, when they were all hanging from the ceiling.

        In the way he didn't got close to the edge during This I promise you, and he always searched a shoulder to put his hand on…

        It was even more noticeable during "God…" because then Chris stood perfectly still, barely moving his hands, looking right ahead to try and ignore the height at which he was.

        It was then when Joey spend more time looking at Chris, the
only moments when he was sure Chris wouldn't catch him staring. At first, Joey had tried to convince himself it was to see if Chris was handling it all right. To see if there was a good reason to change that part of the show. But as the days passed, and the tour began and he was still looking at Chris during the song, he had come to admit his reasons for staring had nothing to do with Chris' fear of heights.

        That made him feel worse.

        He was lusting after his best friend, while his best friend was confronting his worst fears.

        But the truth was that what he felt was not lust. If truth had to
be said, he had only had one fantasy involving Chris that didn't involve a fall, like all his nightmares did lately. In the fantasy, they were singing "God must have spend…" and suddenly, Chris was not in his own platform, but sharing Joey's. And in the middle of the choir, in front of thousand silent and shocked stares, Chris had leaned down and kissed him on the lips, murmuring the last line of the song.

        That had been three weeks before, and every time they sang the choir, he turned to see Chris, half disappointed to see that his dream was not true.

        And that was all. A kiss. He still fantasized about women, still
picked up dates at bars and had never once turned to see a guy with interest. Not even Chris, whom Joey didn't find particularly attractive. So his reasons to look at Chris weren't at all that simple.

        He looked at Chris because he wanted to be sure that Chris was safe. That Chris was happy. That Chris was there.

        He looked at Chris because, and there was no way to deny it, he thought of Chris all the time, and looking at him was the only way to assure himself that he hadn't just dreamed Chris up.

        That was pathetic, and he knew it.

        Finally, the platforms started to lower, and Joey forced himself to look forward, because with the song finally over, Chris would be his normal hyperactive self again, and Joey didn't want Chris to catch on him.

        Because he loved Chris, and he knew Chris didn't love him. And he didn't want to cause his friend any worries, because he was content with seeing Chris happy. If Chris knew about his feelings, Chris would feel bad because he couldn't correspond Joey. And thus, Joey was perfectly happy not letting Chris know.

The end.

This fic was just written to prove myself that I can write "The End" and mean it, and to celebrate the opening of our (That's my friend Polter and I) new page. I hope it doesn't sucks.